As several black sedans pulled into the center court panic spread through the converted motel, now an oceanside apartment complex. I heard them before I saw them. Hard soled shoes pounding up the old staircase to the second level only about twenty feet from my door. I sat on my sofa bed waiting for the inevitable knock. In my heart I knew I had nothing to fear. I had sold all of my stash last night and had just flushed my personal stuff down the toilet at the first signs of trouble. This wasn’t my first rodeo or bust, for that matter.
The knock came followed by a gruff voice being echoed throughout the complex,
“Open up this is Oceanside PD; we have a warrant to enter your apartment and check for elicit substances!”
I rose from the couch but did not approach the door. I loudly replied,
“I am coming to open the door; I am not armed and do not have any drugs in here and you can search all you want!”
I was wary of the idea that right outside my door were at least two armed police officers that were on edge and at the least sign of resistance it could get ugly. As I slowly opened the door, I was pushed back as one burly cop came through pinning me to the wall and the other with weapon drawn asked me to raise my hands over my head. As I did the burly cop frisked me and released his grip.
Soon the older cop was tearing my small studio apartment apart as burly guy kept an eye on me. It was strange because the guy seemed to know exactly where to look. He went right to the place where my stash normally would have been and then to the second hidey hold where I kept my stuff. Some one had ratted me out along with all the other dealers in the complex, I bet. Well, tough luck here. I was clean for once. I couldn’t help but smirk.
As I did the burly cop said,
What are you laughing about, do you think this is funny? It is guys like you, scum who deal drugs to children that make me sick!”
His statement hit a nerve. Who had told them I was dealing to kids? My expression changed and he saw it. It was his turn to smile sardonically,
“Not so funny now, huh, scumbag?”
I just lowered my head and said nothing. The old cop finished his search and walked to where we were standing,
“Clean, huh, John?
He saw my reaction to his knowing my name and said,
“Yeah, Johnny, we know you and all the other scumbags in this hole you call home. Your done dealing your poison in this town. As we speak, we are busting your supplier. You are out of business! I ought to arrest you just on suspicion, but we have bigger fish to fry. Maybe next time!”
With that he pushed by me. Burly cop gave me a pat on the cheek and said,
“See you around, snowflake! Maybe you better get that shyster brother of yours to get ready to defend you. I know you won’t quit dealing; guys like you never learn!”
With that he was gone too. I returned to my worn couch and sat. Lighting a cigarette. I felt myself shiver and as much as right now I was swearing never to snort another line or deal a drop to anyone, deep down I knew I would.
I pray you have never been in any situation as I have described above. I am sure most of you haven’t. I am just as sure that each one has had that moment when you sat swearing never to give in to the thing you have been battling with for years. It could be that piece of cake you know you should walk away from. Maybe you are in a relationship that is destroying you. You swear I am not going out with that person again. But you do. I get it. I have been there. I allowed my life to be destroyed and worse lives around me for years. All I can say if you are reading this today, DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE!
No, I have no cures, or do I have an instant prescription that will win your battle. My hope and yours too comes not from me but from a Savior that has all the power that we do not. That hope is in Jesus Christ!
I get it if today you read this and think you have heard it all before. Just another holy roller trying to tell you that you just turn it all over to Jesus and life will be wonderful. Well, my friend, I am not saying that at all. Faith in Jesus was not magic or instant for me. It took time. It took trust. It took effort. But mostly what it took was surrender.
But that surrender was one day at a time. Reading the Bible started the transformation. If you haven’t read this book, I get that too. I resisted it for years. But no other book offers you more. For me it came down to, what have I got to lose? I had been a God hater and only began to read God’s Word to keep peace in my household. It took months but I began to see a picture of a God who loved me so much that he would die just to save this man who had dealt poison to innocents. A man who had abandoned his son because he was on the run from drug dealers. He could love me and even more forgive me even when I continued to stumble and fall. That kind of love can be found no where else and that kind of love changed me.
There is a book in the Bible called Psalms. I am sure you have heard of it. In there is a bunch of ancient poems and songs. One of them was written by King David. You know the guy who killed Goliath with a sling shot. Later he became the Israelite king. He too struggled with sin. Stealing another man’s wife and then murdering that man. Yet David knew God and he knew that even after he had so grievously sinned that he could be forgiven and cleansed. Be made right. Here are some of the words from that psalm,
Be merciful to me, O God,
because of your constant love.
Because of your great mercy
wipe away my sins!
Wash away all my evil
and make me clean from my sin!
I recognize my faults.
I am always conscious of my sins.
I have sinned against you — only against you —
and done what you consider evil.
So, you are right in judging me.
you are justified in condemning me.
I have been evil from the day I was born.
from the time I was conceived, I have been sinful.
Sincerity and truth are what you require.
fill my mind with your wisdom.
Remove my sin, and I will be clean.
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear the sounds of joy and gladness.
and though you have crushed me and broken me,
I will be happy once again.
Close your eyes to my sins
and wipe out all my evil.
Create a pure heart in me, O God,
and put a new and loyal spirit in me.
Do not banish me from your presence.
do not take your Holy Spirit away from me.
Give me again the joy that comes from your salvation,
and make me willing to obey you.
Psalm 51: 1-12
Maybe today you can start with these words. They are a prayer for help and an admission that you, like me are powerless in the face of whatever is holding you from freedom. Today is the day!
Years ago, I found ways to continue my drug addiction and even how to deal drugs while on the run from the law and my own life. I do not know if the drugs I dealt killed anyone, but I like King David can today freely admit, ‘Create in me a clean heart!” and know God will!
Blessings
John
11/16/20
