I lay in bed, afraid to move. In my reasoning mind I knew I was just being silly therecertainly wasn’t anything or anybody in the dingy motel room I called home. Yet the fear was real and almost palatable, I could almost taste it.
I had woken up in a drunken stupor. Not that unusual but this was different, I was sure there was something in this room with me. I had pulled the cheap blanket up over my mouth as if it could protect me. And now I lay there, paralyzed. Was there really someone there? Could it be a ghost? It would not be hard to believe this old Salt Lake City motor lodge had plenty of ghosts haunting every room.
I had a long history of fear when it came to the night, darkness and the boogie man. As a kid, I had often found myself dreading the night. Even though I slept in a room with my two brothers, I found little comfort in their presence. There would be shadows of trees broadcast on the walls as the wind blew. These would take shapes of scary goblins I had stored in my kid imagination. The floor would creak, and I would freeze in fear, something was coming to get me. Or the eternal boogieman who might be under the bed. If I looked or if I dared to place my feet on the floor, the consequences would be so dire I could not even imagine. I wish I could say, these fears were left in that old dormer room in the house on Whitehall Avenue Northlake, Illinois but that was not true.
My adulthood had been plagued by the same fears. Sometimes it would be a closet at night I would be afraid to open. Standing before it, knowing it was irrational, the fear would course through me. Slowly reaching my hand for the knob, then quickly pulling the door open. Eyes squeezed shut. Breath held. Standing stiff as a board, waiting. Within seconds when nothing had happened, I would slowly open one eye. Clothes! All hanging perfectly still. Just a closet. Always feeling embarrassed, I told myself I needed to get overall of this. Still knowing in my heart that the deep lying, irrational fear was there.
And now as I lay motionless in the bed, I knew if I moved a muscle the old springs would whine and creak. I also knew that if I did whatever was in that room would know where I was and be on me instantly. Again, my booze soaked, yet still reasonable part of my brain tried to throw some common sense into the situation, shouting, “There is nothing in this room, get up turn on the light!” But my deep-set fear would not be budged. It’s there and it is wanting to do me harm!
Fear is one of the strongest emotions God has given us. In most circumstances it is our safety valve. Rational fear is not only important it is critical to living inthe world today. Some days it is not possible to walk down the street without the fear factor being brought to practical use. We truly need to have a healthy fear of certain things and those things seem to grow in this ‘last days’ world. But what about irrational fear? I am sure that a good percentage of you reading this have experienced fear that you just knew was not real yet could not stop yourself from the terror that comes with it.
The strange thing for me was that I had little healthy fear most of my life. I lived and worked in circumstances that would trigger alarm bells in most rational minds but for me there was a ‘no fear’ credo. Walking on 8” beams ten, twenty, or fifty stories up was not a problem. Carousing around in places where I should have had fear, I did not. But when it came to irrational fear, I certainly had my share.
Looking at it now I see almost all of it centered on two things: darkness and the unknown.You might be reading this and think, “Well, duh! Most of us fear the unknown!”I think that is true even for me today. But now I have a different perspective.When I came to know I was saved by the blood of Jesus, a whole lot of the darkness and the unknown became a lot less scary.
Like all things in my life in which the Lord is given me victory, I found my transforming power in His Word. It is in the Word that I learned how to dispel fears of darkness.Jesus said this, “I have come as a light into the world, so that everyone who believes in me will not remain in darkness.” (John 12:46) When Jesus became the center of my life darkness could no longer hold the power it once did. And its scariness could no longer be based on the unknown because in Jesus I know there is more than this dying world, He has promised, “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelation 21:4)
I also found that Satan and his demons are real, but they have no power in the darkness, if I hold on to the one who is, the Way, the Truth, and the Light. And as for ghosts and spirits haunting this world, God’s Word says, “Multitudes who sleep in the dust of the earth will awake: some to everlasting life, others to shame and everlasting contempt.” (Daniel12:2) I know now all sleep waiting the day of judgement. I no longer fear the dark or the unknown.
But back inthat room my terror was real. I had no God to turn to in prayer to chase away those thoughts. As I remember it, I lay there for hours waiting for the dawn and somewhere along the way I fell into a fitful sleep. There would be other nights where fear would reign supreme. And I can’t say I have never experienced it again but now I have a Savior, who saves completely. Now I say with the apostle Paul, “The night is almost gone, and the day is near. Therefore, let us lay aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. (Romans 13:12). Thank you, Lord!
Blessings John,
12/19/18
