Merry Christmas, John! I had heard that so many times today that I wanted to scream. But I replied with all the patience and false enthusiasm I could muster, “Yeah Merry Christmas, Buddy!” I figured since he was my bartender and I was going to be spending the rest of the day with him, I might as well humor the guy. But just saying the words were not going to be sufficient. As he poured my drink, he asked the question I did not want to answer. “Hey John! How’s your kid? Are you spending the day with him?” I tried to stay cool, calm and collected. It didn’t work. I said with a surly tone, “My kid, as you put it, is fine! And no, I am going to be spending my day with you! So, make that drink a double and let’s talk about anything except my kid!”
I could see Buddy was hurt by my tone, but I just did not care right now. I was paying for the drinks, so I should at least have the ability to have some privacy. He quickly added another shot of whiskey to the tumbler and then said, “Sorry John, this one is on the house.” Setting the drink down, I lowered my head. Right now, I wanted to cry but I bet almost every person in this bar had something to cry about. So, I steeled myself and mumbled inaudibly, “Man up!” But even as I said this my heart just wasn’t in it. It was going to be a long day.
For the first time in many years I was not going to be with my family on Christmas. The divorce was finalized right after Thanksgiving and my ex had made it clear that she was not going to be at home, my old home, this year. She was celebrating Christmas with friends and I certainly no longer fit that description. I had seen my son for a short visit yesterday and gave him the present I had bought for him and he had opened it without any enthusiasm just slowly tugging the wrapping off and then staring at the toy for a moment before dropping it to the floor without even a thank you. I was no longer his favorite guy, I probably was not in the top ten. Leaving not long after that, I drove back to the apartment I shared with six other Ironworkers. As they all partied, I sat at the kitchen table alone. Just a half gallon of Black Velvet whiskey and enough Coca-Cola to cut the burn. That was my Christmas Eve and now it was the day I had been dreading for a month.
I don’t know how long I had been lost in thought, but I was woken out of my reverie by a poke in the ribs and a soft voice, “Merry Christmas, John!” I shifted on my stool enough to see that it was Gwen, an older woman who seemed to live here. The fact was that she was a fixture. The rumor was she had been drinking in this bar since it had opened back in the 60’s but since we had never really talked, I was not sure if it was gossip or not. Now she sat next to me and waited for me to say something in return. The best I could do was shrug and salute her with my glass. She seemed to accept this without insult and said, “Christmas blues, huh? I hear this is your first-time celebrating a bar Christmas. Don’t worry you will get used to it!” I looked at her empty smile and thought to myself. Will I really? Is this my life from now on? I thought of my boy and all the Christmases we had spent together. Tears welled in my eyes. In that moment I knew all was lost and so was I.
As Christmas of 2018 arrives I am blessed beyond anything I could ask or deserve. I have a home where Jesus Christ and His love are the center of RuthAnn’s and my life. I am surrounded by loving friends and family. As I said, I am blessed. But also, at this time of year the ghosts of my past life remind me that there are so many folks out there who will spend this holiday in cold and impersonal places. On lonely barstools with no family or friends. People will gather in bars and taverns just to find the comfort of being with other human beings, yet there will be an emptiness there that neither the alcohol or the company will be able to fill. I have been there, and I know the depth of that loneliness.
So today I want to offer a prayer that anyone can pray. If you are in need of it pray it with me:
Heavenly Father, I need You in a special way this Christmas. I feel so alone, and it seems impossible to enter into the joy this season is supposed to bring. It feels as though my suffering is invisible, but I know that it is never invisible to You. You see every moment of loneliness and every tear. You see my confusion, my exhaustion, and my grief. You look on me with love and compassion, and I know You desire to comfort me now more than ever. I pray that You will allow me to know Your love for me in a special way this Christmas as we celebrate the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ. Grant me peace in my heart at the thought of You, my loving Father. Grant me clarity and trust in Your holy providence. Jesus, I place myself in Your hands, I seek the joy only you can bring. Jesus, I trust in You. Amen.
I spent many more Christmases in taverns and bars beyond the one I have described above. My heart did harden and was empty, I thought it would never be filled again. But I want to say on this Christmas Eve there is hope. If Jesus could fill this cold heart of mine, He can and will fill yours. Trust in Him and pray with me. And maybe you don’t want to hear it any more than I did on that day so long ago, but I wish you a Merry Christmas! You are not alone!
Blessings John,
12/24/18
